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Youth

November 05, 2021

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I spent my youth

trying to be a youth.

Turns out I

should just have

been me.

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To a Teddy

In the photo from the late 1960s I look like I have been thrown into the child sized chair but I seem strangely happy about the situation. I am 6 months old and my companion on the chair is a large yellow fluffy teddy. She is wearing a cheery ribbon round her neck. Years later when I was able to use words to describe my surroundings I called her "Baby". Me and my teddy. A moment captured in the chaos of a Christmas morning. In a more recent photo Baby seems to have shrunk. Her fur is thin and sparce. The ribbon long gone. Her hips click concerningly and her arms seem strangely floppy. My lifelong companero. My teddy. An observer of every childhood game, faithfully tucked into the dolls' cot each night (the dolls had no place there). My teddy. Left abandoned on my teenage bed, and regrettably tidied into a box for numerous years. Now I hold her again. My teddy. As in my middle age I seek to remember what brought comfort to the terrified child who is still

Insomnia

Sleepy meadow Weeping in your kitchen. Struck down by insomnia. How can something so simple, be so vital? It feels elusive. Like trying to grab a whisp of smoke or an errant budgie. Each morning began with fear. Fear of the night. Walking past homes brought anguish, imagining what it would be like to live there and go to bed and sleep. Months passed. Sleep returned. Not by my will or effort. Like a lost friend who suddenly appears on your doorstep and is welcomed home.

Holy Wednesday

The fragrance was sprayed hurriedly as I left the house. Already dressed for a fierce Scottish Spring. The scented liquid was absorbed by my scarf and today, six days later, it still lingers. Did the perfume linger on your clothes? Did your friends smell it as you handed them the bread? Did Judas breathe it in as he held you close to kiss you? Did the soldiers, as they crushed the thorns into your scalp, wonder at its source? Did the dice players experience its aroma as they gambled for your clothes? May this holy week fill our senses with the beauty of your sacrifice. (Inspired by Matthew 26:6-13 and Lectio 365 Tuesday of Holy Week 2024)

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Youth

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